I was under the same apprehension. The day I would be walking down the aisle with someone waiting to be a part of my life that I cordoned to prevent others from trespassing in it.
Let me give you a birds eye view of what I think would be MY wedding chronicles.
It was a weekend, and the ideal son that I am, was taking my mother to the temple. We ran into one of my distant relatives whose name I didn’t know and don’t know now as well. She started off from my childhood and the clichéd line of “Ohhhh… how big your son is become Mrs. Rao! Son, You were only this big (I cant show the gesture on paper but I can assure you that it meant small) when I last saw you”, and I said to myself… “Judging by the fact that I don’t know you, the last time you saw me has to be a long long time ago, so Hello!! Last time I checked, people grow with age, don’t they?”
And the conversation went on and ended right at a topic that caught me off guard, my wedding. The lady continued “Well, Mrs. Rao, is your son married? If not, is his wedding fixed? If not, is he seeing someone? If not, are your looking for a girl? If not, why???”
And before I knew it, she threw a barrage of 20 questions on my mother with the million dollar question being, “I know a girl, would you be interested?”
Finally, she came to the point. My mother looked at me and gave another clichéd line “Well, I DO NOT know whether he is seeing someone but he hasn’t told me so”.
And I went “Mom! Lets keep the sarcastic lines to our internal conversations please. Let’s not involve your sister’s uncle’s daughter-in-law’s cousin in it!”
And to my misery, the conversation did not end there. My mother replied, “if the girl is good, why not?”
There started my first step towards a new life as they call it. I dreaded this day would come and so I had to spill the beans and tell my mother that I was indeed seeing someone. What followed was nothing short of a climax scene from a daily family soap, a lot of sobbing, and a lot of cursing and in the end “curtains”. She agreed to the relation and I was happy.
We went to the girl’s house to finalize everything. There are some things that we do expect will happen but when it does happen we still are surprised and shocked.
When I went to the girl’s house, I expected a normal and casual conversation to start off. Considering that I knew the family from the past few years, I don’t think that was too much to ask. But everything seemed to be different. The girl’s father said, “Son, I know you since a few years now and consider you to be a good person” Now, What I am going to say now is what I was telling myself. I said “Uncle/Dad “consider”? I AM a good person, remember, you have said this to me a million times.”
He continued “I hope and pray your intentions with my daughter are noble” and I went “Oh no! how can I have noble intentions? I am only marrying her, that’s it!”
I replied “Uncle, don’t worry, I love your daughter and will take care of her more than myself”.
I know what you are thinking, yes, I know to crack a few clichéd lines myself.
He smiled and I said to myself “Yes! Me 1 point – Uncle 0”.
But it wouldn’t end there would it. The father was satisfied but the mother was just getting geared up.
She started “Son… take care of my daughter… give her everything she wants” and I went “Oh no! its recession aunty, can’t give her “everything” she wants“ but on the outside I went “Oh definitely I will!”
Me 2 points – Uncle and aunty 0.
And my mom wouldn’t stay behind on the questionnaire round. She went all guns blazing at my would-be (who was getting perilously close to being “should have been”), firing questions at her like darts.
“Where did you meet my son?”
I went “Mom.. you already asked me this… what are you trying to confirm my story?!” Fortunately for me, my friend (that’s what I call her.. atleast for now) gave the same story as I did.
Again, fortunately for me, the good old questions did not pop up. The “do you know cooking, cleaning, etc” ones.
Ok, all said and done, the D-day was fixed to a month from the day we met her parents. And suddenly it hit me, all my freedom is gone. No more going out of the house without anyone asking where I was going. Everywhere I go, I have to think, is this place viable to take my wife with me? If not, there goes the plan down the drain.
Every critical decision I take has to be thought harder as one more important life, other than my worthless one, depends on it.
Pretty soon a day would come when I would not be able to get off both sides of the bed. When I could not sleep in a position that looked like a body had been dropped or thrown from 40 stories to the ground, with both legs spread apart, hands all over the place, snoring away to glory. I do any of this after marriage and it would be the end of the road for me!
Every couple of hours I would receive a call, “What are you doing?” and I would want to say “I am currently at my office desk… infact standing on top of it.. with my shirt in my hands and singing “I believe I can FLY”.. “ But I would end up saying, “Nothing dear.. thinking about you… what else could this aimless soul be doing”
There would be days when I would wait for my wife to leave and spend some days at her parents place, away from me. And when she would be gone, I would wait for her to be back. What a life!
There would be days when my mother would wait for me to come home and she could begin the centuries old tradition of mother-in-law rant but unfortunately for her, her daughter-in-law would be one step ahead of her and provide her version of her story to me on the phone, five hours ago!” And even more unfortunately for me, I would not know what to do, whom to support or how to get out of this mess.
Now, don’t you go thinking that these are all urban legends of an Indian household. These things happen to ALL houses across the country.
Aah! The luxuries of a married Indian joint family. You would kill for it and die at the same time!
All of this would be the usual day in my life and all that I cherish now would be gone. I was pondering about this and had had enough of this thought. I looked to the side of my bed and no one else was there. What a relief!
I ran to my mother and told her, “Mom! If you want to have a daughter-in-law, you would have to wait for another 10 years…. This son of yours is just not ready for the beautiful journey called marriage”
Please note that this is just another rendition of a bachelor’s thoughts and has no links with the thoughts of a settled married man, I hope. Readers’ discretion is advised.
If any of you echo with my thoughts, the bachelors club is always open.